Forever Afraid

Recently, I've noticed a pattern in my conversations with people from back home.  Its a combination of "I miss you", "I can't wait to see you", or "Only (x) days until I'm home".  It dawned on me a few days ago, that this is the reality of a life abroad.  Days strung together with a million 'I miss yous' in between until I get to see my people face to face again.  Sure, I'm having the adventure of a lifetime.  But back home, the world is still spinning and its a world that I'm not in.  This realization brought about a feeling that has been present for a while now.  F E A R. 

From the moment I got to Costa Rica, I feel like I've been fighting to be here and be there.  It seems silly, really.  That for months I pushed hard to leave Phoenix.  Then I get here, and all I can think about is the people I left behind.  No, I'm not homesick.  I’m afraid.  

And if I’m being honest, I'm afraid all the time.  I’m afraid of what I will be or what I won't.  I'm afraid of pursing a life abroad and I'm afraid at the thought of moving back to the states.  I’m afraid to follow my passions and I fear a life without them.  And if we’re all being honest, I think we are ALL afraid ALL the time.

The Bible talks about fear a lot.  Take for instance, Jesus walking on water.  Its just before dawn and Jesus heads out to his disciples boat.  And in typical Jesus style, He walks on the water towards the boat.  When the disciples see him they think its a ghost.  So naturally, they are afraid.  But Jesus sees their fear and quickly calls out, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”  And being the smart alec disciple he was, Peter responds, “Lord, if it’s you, tell me to come to you on the water.”  Jesus says, “Come.”  So Peter steps out of the boat and begins to walk towards Jesus (No big deal).  And then the bible says this, “But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, ‘Lord, save me!” 

I will be the first to admit, I am totally Peter.  I easily see the adventure in what Jesus is calling me to until it gets scary.  Then I sink.  But when I look up, Jesus is there to save me.  Always.        

This past weekend I had the privilege of hearing a very wise man speak.  He also happens to be the Vice President of Young Life International and a good family friend.  He said this,

“Jesus leads fearful people to take courageous actions” -Marty Caldwell

Isn't this the truth?  This world we live in, its scary.  And most of the time it sucks.  It feeds a lot of my fears.  But Jesus, He loves us so much.  And he has prosperous plans for our lives.  It says so in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  The fear, it will probably always linger.  But it certainly won't stop me.

I wish I could say that I have all the answers.  That this post could be titled “10 ways to not be afraid”.  But this isn’t just another link on your Facebook timeline and it wouldn’t be the truth. 

 
So here is my very jumbled conclusion.  Walk on water. Have a little Faith.  Fix your Eyes on Jesus.  Allow Him to give you Courage and the ability to be Bold.  It is OK to be afraid.  But don’t give it the power to cripple you.  We are FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made.  So lets start living like we have a creator who loves us so much He sent His son to die for us. 

 
"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."

The List

Everybody likes lists right?  If you don't, then this isn't the post for you (sorry bout it).  Here is a compilation of my top moments so far in Costa Rica.  The good, the bad, and the flat out strange.  Let's start with the good...

TOP 3 FAVORITE THINGS:                                                                                 

Seriously beautiful!

• Tres Cruces Hike:  This past monday, we were able to ditch the city life for a bit and venture into the mountains.  We normally have team meetings on Mondays at the Young Life office.  But this week our team leaders decided we could all use a day in nature instead (bless them).  And oh man, did my heart need this.  The hike took us about five hours and had the most gorgeous views.  By the time we got back to the car I could barely stand up and my forehead was swollen from a spider bite, but it was SO worth it.  Hands down one of my favorite experiences in Costa Rica.  

   

Just some awesome YL chicas

•  Young Life:  In all honesty, I had no idea what to expect when it came to Young Life here.  We do a thing called "Bring A Plate".  So the leaders cook dinner and we invite kids to come hang out, eat, and hear about who Jesus is.  If you know anything about Young Life in the states, this is a very different format.  Young Life club in the states usually consists of crazy games, singing songs, leader skits (where we make complete fools of ourselves), and a message about Jesus at the end.  Club here is so different than what I'm used to, but so great!  It is a really sweet time that I sincerely cherish.  Also, it has forced me out of my comfort zone.  I'm learning new ways to do Young Life.  There isn't just one way to reach high school kids and that's ok.  Jesus is rad and Young Life is my favorite.

An intense game of pictionary telephone

• The Hamptons:  Sounds fancy right?  Thats because it is.  But its probably not the Hamptons you're thinking of.  The Hamptons are a family that are on Young Life staff here in Costa Rica.  They moved here from Austin, TX earlier this year and are seriously the coolest people.  They have three hilarious children and their house is amazing.  Every time I go there I feel like I'm on vacation.  And they are so generous with everything they have.  A few weeks after being here, they gave each of us a key to their guest house and told us we were welcome anytime, SO sweet!  Every other Wednesday our team heads over to their house and they cook us dinner, we all hang out together, and then we stay the night.  Even while going to language school full time, taking care of their awesome kids, and oh yeah, figuring out life in a foreign country, they still find time to love us and serve us so well!  Thank you Jeannie and Jimmy for all you do for us, y'all are the best! 

Top 3 Least Favorite Things: 

• The Noise:  If you know me well, you probably know that I sleep with earplugs every night.  If you know me super well, then you might know that in high school I would keep my earplugs in until I left for school and often times would wear them on my drive to school.  Why you may ask?  Loud noises really tick me off, especially in the morning when I'm tired (I'm not anything close to a morning person if you haven't already guessed).  Here in Costa Rica, quietness doesn't exist... anywhere.  People here really like to honk, and the bus horns sound more like train horns.  Dirt bikes without mufflers are a very common form of transportation.  Needless to say, its loud all the time and my sensitive ears are struggling.  Head phones and an excessive use of earplugs are becoming my safe haven.  Oh and I forget to mention that Costa Ricans REALLY like fireworks, especially at 5am.  So not only do I wake up annoyed but I also think the city is being bombed.  Not my favorite.

At least I got a good picture

• Nearly Drowning:  Let me just preface this by saying, though I joke about this story and make light of it, it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life in all seriousness (but its funny now so you can laugh).  About a month ago, a friend and I decided we wanted to go surfing.  I've surfed quite a bit before, I'm no expert but I'm decent.  We made our way down to a sleepy little beach town, rented some boards and prepared for a day full of surf.  Little did we know, there had been a storm down the Pacific Coast which was causing the waves to do some crazy things.  Also, the beach we went to is known for surfing which actually means "if you're not an experienced surfer you're going to be in trouble".  We got out in the water and before I could even process what was happening, I found myself in the middle of ten foot waves.  As I rolled over them it was like I was standing on top of a two story building.  It was certainly one of those "OH SH...OOT" moments.  The only way out of this is in.  So I did exactly what you're not supposed to do, I panicked.  I got knocked off my board (by the biggest wave I've ever seen) and was getting tossed back and forth underneath the water in the swell of the wave.  Then I came up gasping for air just to have another ginormous wave break on my head.  After about five minutes of this, I finally got to a place where I could stand and practically crawled to shore.  And surprisingly my swimsuit was still in tact, thankful for that.  At least now I know, Costa Rican waves are no joke.  Lesson learned.

Early morning bus ride to language school

• Transportation: Buses, taxis, walking.  These are my main modes of transportation these days.  Coming from the states, I was unaware of how much I valued the convenience of being able to go where I wanted whenever I wanted.  Life becomes a different ballgame when it takes an hour (or two) to get where you need to be.  I'm definitely learning that I may need to give myself extra time because there might be traffic.  And lets be honest, there is ALWAYS traffic in Costa Rica, and the drivers here are cray.  Being flexible and timely are two things that the Lord has been teaching me a lot about here.  And its not always fun or comfortable for me, but poco a poco it gets easier everyday.  However, one thing I will never get used to is the amount of people they squeeze on each bus.  I don't think there is a limit.  When I'm headed home in the early evening I have to mentally prepare myself for the process of getting off at my stop.  Crowd surfing is usually my best option for exiting.  Claustrophobia at its finest y'all. 

Here in the land of culture shock, we say that things are not weird but different. So...

Top 3 Not Weird But Different Things:

• Toilet Paper: I may have mentioned this in a previous post, but Costa Ricans don't flush their toilet paper.  The sewage systems here aren't quite up to par, therefore, toliet paper gets thrown in the trash.  It probably sounds really disgusting and strange.  And it sort of is.  But it also becomes normal after a while.  Well I should say mostly normal.  I think it will never be something I'm completely used to, but I think I'll survive.  

• Salsa Rosado: Ooooo fancy, right.  WRONG.  This is just the proper term for ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together.  They put it on everything here.  Sandwiches, burritos, popcorn.  Yeah you read that right, popcorn.  Why God, WHY.  It severely grosses me out, can you tell?

• Directions: Oh you wanna know my address?  Ok, its 100 meters up the main road and then turn left at the supermarket and then go 300 meters north and then its the green gate.  This is the case for everyone here.  No one has a cut and dry address.  All directions are given based on landmarks.  So if you don't know the landmark... well, good luck finding it then.  Its so confusing, not even google maps can help me.  I'm becoming much more in touch with my inner compass.  

Well there it is, the joy, the discomforts, and the "cultural differences".  Thank y'all for following my journey, loving me, and supporting me.  I'm living my dreams and I am forever grateful for those who have helped me get here.

Pura Vida,

Becca